VATICAN CITY - Speaking in front of a shareholder meeting yesterday, Pope Benedict XVI hinted at a fourth quarter loss for the Church in 2005. Usually a lucrative period coinciding with Christmas, this loss would mark an unprecedented low for the Church and its subsidiaries.
Sources close to the Almighty have said that He is "furious" with the result, and is considering another Great Flood. The source also reports that close advisors, rumoured to include Jesus Christ himself, have been dissatisfied with the Church's lacklustre fiscal performance over the last two centuries, and are now taking the opportunity to call for immediate and radical restructuring at the upper management level, as well as austerity measures until the Church's cash flow situation improves.
Market analysts speculate that the area most likely to be targeted by the restructuring is Hell, aimed particularly at the long-serving but unpopular Prince of Darkness, Lucifer. "Hell has traditionally been a good earner for the Church," said investment theologian Blaise Pascal, "but it has had trouble adapting to the rapidly growing market for eternal damnation. Sinners are going unpunished, and as a result their credibility in the marketplace has taken a heavy blow."
"It's been centuries coming, but now it looks like horned heads are going to roll," adds Pascal.
Speaking on the conditional of anonymity, an agent of Christ has indicated that our Saviour will be pressing for a far more radical approach at the emergency meeting of the Trinity later today. "The fire and brimstone image doesn't accurately reflect the corporate culture of the Church anymore. While we still value our traditional 'divine vengeance' and 'infinite justice' customer-base, we've lost a lot of ground to our New Age competitors in the 'peace and love' area."
Responding to rumours that former German leader, Adolf Hitler, is a leading candidate to replace Satan, the source believed that Jesus Christ is looking for "someone more experienced in corporate management, and less likely to invade the orthodox Russian market".
Restructuring plans proposed at the Second Vatican are also likely to be revisited, after they were aborted shortly after the abolition of Purgatory. The measures include:
* Outsourcing divine retribution against unbelievers to Armourguard.
* Streamlining sins to reduce judgement time.
* Turn Heaven and Hell into competing corporate entities.
* Selling indulgences for all non-cardinal sins through a convenient website.
* Removing boring parts of bible to save printing costs.
* Replacing the Holy Spirit with the more cost-effective Holy Sprite.
* Merge with Islam to corner faith-market.