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Get a life | Oct 03, 2003 10:42
One of the allegations made over the past week or so, in response largely to Darkiegate, has been that New Zealand has lost its sense of humour. I'm starting to worry that for many people, it might be the case.
On Tuesday I went to 'It's In the Bag', the Havoc/Newsboy stage show, on as part of the AK03 festival. It was all good fun, and a fitting homage to the iconic kiwi show. Mikey played the part of Toogood with dutiful reverence, while Jeremy stayed in character as a fairly mute Tineke Stevenson, right down to a made-to-measure replica of a dress she wore in 1974. As I said, all good fun.
Not so for Ted, who called Radio Pacific the next day.
I saw a bit of that 'It's in the Bag' [on the TV News] and the co-host seems to be a bloke in a frock. I thought it was a bit strange, you know, I'm surprised no-one else has called up… If I went to a show like that I'd just walk out! I'm sure my wife would too, and lots of other women. It's weird. It upsets me, I just don't want to associate with people like that. There's far too much of it going on in NZ as it is."
Mark Bennett, to his credit, handled the caller beautifully, and used the by now stock defence "it was just satire". Is this phrase becoming the "I was just following orders" of the 21st century?
It would also seem that the NZRFU, or at least their agents, have a few problems in the humour department. I'll probably get in all kinds of trouble for posting this, but I'm feeling kinda Friday about life, so here goes.
I was writing a bit of editorial copy for a magazine the other day, about the new special world cup edition All Black Game Boy Advance SP. Essentially it's a real flash little handheld game machine, great games, great graphics etc, and they're doing a version in black with a silver fern on it, release timed to coincide with world cup fever.
I was told by the kind folks at Nintendo that my copy would have to be approved not only by them, but also by the NZRFU for approval, before I could use any of their images. Odd, but I agreed nevertheless. The reply, from a company called TradeMark Management, agents of the NZRFU, apparently responsible for ensuring their good name isn't sullied, left me dumbfounded.
My opening line, albeit somewhat cheesy, read: "Ever wondered how the second-string All Blacks fill in that time sitting on the bench? With their very own All Blacks Game Boy Advance SP, of course."
The reply?
The All Blacks (i) don't use GameBoy whilst sitting on the bench and (ii) there are no second string All Blacks. Once you are an All Black, you are an All Black. Can you please make those changes and send back.
I politely declined to do so.
Weekend at Brian's | Sep 26, 2003 12:42
If the Paul Holmes thing was a ratings stunt, then it worked rather well, didn't it? Whether people got the joke or not - whether it was a joke or not - everyone's been talking about it, even other radio stations. Linda Clark interviewed the little man himself, bFM breakfast Hugh Sundae talked about very little else the following morning, TV3 ran a story on it, even the PM saw fit to comment. Holmes was on the front of newspapers around the country.
Any way you look at it, the comment has generated tens of thousands of dollars worth of free publicity. I called the Broadcasting Standards Authority to find out what the maximum fine was that the station could face. $5000, apparently. As Mr Brown notes, survey is looming, and more people are bound to tune in if they think Holmes has gone off the rails than would listen to win a free trip for two to Sydney, and other more conventional ratings bribes. $5000 is nothing compared to the value of the Paul Holmes Breakfast show coming up trumps in the survey, both to Paul Holmes personally, and Newstalk ZB.
Is it even bad publicity? Half the people I've spoken to seem convinced it was satire. And even if people don't consider it to be satirical, we're talking about the station whose flagship talkback host is Leighton Smith, whose insidious "I'm not a racist, but…" schtick attracts huge audiences every day. ZB's liberal audience could fit in the same WC as National Radio's reactionary conservatives. It ain't done them any harm, trust me, even though some people are inevitably offended.
Re the pickled people, this response was a little more literal than I had in mind. Although, give the man a couple of hundred grand and some airtime, I dare say he could come up with something a little more lively than Edwards' show.
My mate Jen in the UK pointed out that while she was fresh out of pickled people, if I get in quick I pick up a weasel riding a chicken for a song.
And while we're on the animal tip, here's an invisible turtle that has captured my imagination.
Have a good weekend - DC
Just another wearisome Wednesday | Sep 24, 2003 12:07
I've been struggling to get excited about much on the political front for the past few weeks, which is quite unlike me. Then I read this piece by the always-worth-a-look Sarah @ Leto and something clicked.
It's like a giant vat of porridge someone forgot to add the salt to, left to go cold and gluggy on the stovetop, with only journalists and politicians under the illusion that it's actually edible…The Government plods along, neither brilliant nor dreadful. The fringe parties continue to mistake half-baked ideas for actual policy, and National seems caught up in a collective delusion that they're all at a 1950's boys' boarding school.
I'm trying to work out exactly why this is, I mean, it's not as though there's nothing to be interested in. We've got two MPs facing criminal charges, one of them may even lose his seat as a result. We've got the huge unresolved issue of the seabed and foreshore and resultant Maori protests. Despite a ban on recording the hui, someone managed to capture Trevor Mallard being reprimanded for shouting over people on a marae yesterday. You ain't in Parliament now, buddy.
The end of the GE moratorium hangs like a dark cloud, and Grannies Against Genetics (GAG) are whipping their tops off in Parliament, much to the disgust of Brian Le Gros, who claimed it was his idea all along. In a year we may be all eating Blinky the Fish; the Greens are less than happy, but Jeanette Fitzsimons says they will continue to work with and support Labour on policies they agree upon.
And I think this is part of my disillusionment. Politics is a game, and it's no fun when there's no chance of an upset. That's why the Warriors vs the Raiders was so much fun to watch on the weekend – it came right down to the wire – whereas watching the All Blacks trounce Japan in the world cup rates up there with Edwards at Large on the interestometer. Ok, that's not fair, even an All Blacks whitewash is more interesting than Edwards. Have you ever noticed how much he looks like a pickled person? Scary.
[I've been trying to find an image of what pickled people look like so you too could marvel at the resemblance, but all I've managed to find are pantyhose fetish websites. Gotta love the 'net. If anyone can find a link, please mail me. For those who don't know, they're people made out of stuffed stockings, the features sewn in. They look a lot like Brian Edwards…]
Anyhoo. I interviewed Peter Dunne a week ago, and again marveled at how utterly inoffensive this man can be. We were discussing smoking, and surprise of surprises, he's calling for a "common sense" solution. I asked him if he ever felt the Government were taking the piss. I mean, they can ignore the Greens about GE, and know that United will support them. They can ignore United about smoking, and the Greens will provide the votes they need. The fact that the Greens and United are about as likely to agree on anything as Gordon Copeland is to share a J with Nandor is exactly where the Government's strength lies. Dunne said, predictably, "that's MMP."
And therein lies the source of my ennui. As it stands, the Government just can't lose. But they're not even using their enviable position to conduct some despotic campaign of Machivellian tyranny (smoking and smacking notwithstanding). At least that would be interesting.
Thank God the rugby's coming.
Oh, and by the by, while I'm talking about television, Mike King's show is clearly going to be worse than the debut might have suggested. Much like Winston Peters, Rodney Hide managed to be funnier than the so-called (a term I generally hate, reserved as it is for people who write letters to the editor of The Listener) comedian host. King also seems to think that it's more interesting if he gets his interviewees involved in little skits. It isn't. I shan't be watching again.
Finishing on a positive, a few congratulations are in order:
To all the winners of the b.net awards, particularly Te Awanui from Nesian Mystic, who kindly offered me 'a place to crash' should I ever need one – an unusual but nonetheless welcome token of gratitude for an article I'd written a while back.
To Hayley Westenra, who would have to be the sweetest person I've ever had the pleasure to interview, and who is currently sitting at number 8 on the main British charts, and number 1 on the classical charts, with the fastest selling classical release of all time, her new album, er, Pure.
And finally to Jeremy Wells, bFM host, regular sports contributor on my show and bloody decent bloke, despite having too much to drink to continue his co-hosting duties with me at the awards on Friday night, who has apparently been voted sexiest New Zealander in the 2003 Durex Sex Survey. Which I guess makes me a little sexy by association. Or not.
Give Us a Clue | Sep 17, 2003 13:33
Over the past couple of months I've been trying to see a pattern emerge in what Those Who Know best at TVNZ are up to. Increasingly, I get the feeling that I've been staring at what I thought was a Magic Eye picture, only to find it's nothing but a wallpaper sample. In the case of Edwards At Large, rather tatty old wallpaper, nicotine-stained, bubbling and cracking, yet still asserting there's nothing wrong with it, nothing at all, in fact it's far superior to all those newfangled varieties on the market.
I realise that of the various programmes to have been introduced, removed and otherwise fiddled with of late, some come under the jurisdiction of Bill Ralston as head of News & Current Affairs, while others fit under general programming. But when Brian Edwards interviews Rodney Hide, and Mike King asks Winston Peters about the foreshore issue, is the distinction a valid one?
Only this morning did I get to see for myself the Ralston Effect on Breakfast. I used to quite enjoy the Hosking-Hawkesby combo, taking turns to interview, sharing the duties, even areas where one was clearly more qualified to comment (e.g Hosking on sport) were delegated to the other, often with humorous results. And then there was the banter. No doubt this drove some people mad, including it would seem, Bill Ralston, but for me it worked. Mike hassled Kate for asking a stupid question, Kate hassled Mike for being an old fuddy-duddy, they laughed, we laughed.
This morning, Bill needn't have feared, no-one was in any danger of laughing or otherwise enjoying themselves. Kate read the news with all the joy of the protagonist in a Kafka novel. Hosking and Hawkesby's ten second crosses are conducted via a video screen, as if to prevent the transfer of any warmth between the two. In case the low-rating TelstraClear Business wasn't compelling enough at 6.30am, "highlights" from the show now also apparently bear repeating at 8.15am. Joe Bennett, the 'humorous social commentator' from Christchurch, has wisely decided not to break rank, and ensures the programme remains as dry as a Canterbury Nor'wester.
I only saw a little of Mike King's new show last night – I was interested to see him interview Winston Peters, and couldn't have cared a jot to see Shortland Street's Karl Burnett. TV2 celebs interviewing other TV2 celebs on a TV2 programme, it's all a bit Strassman Ungloved, really. The cloned Late Show set is a bad idea, serving as it does to highlight the many ways in which Mike King is not David Letterman. Like Russell, I'll wait and see – to an extent – but at the same time, if TVNZ feel it's fit to broadcast, then it's fit to comment on.
His interviewing technique certainly needs some work, and last night it was only Winston's charisma that carried the segment. That, and the sheer disbelief at watching the New Zealand First leader do his Asian takeaway shop owner impersonation – surely valuable footage for someone come the next election.
Pam's gone, Richard Long is counting the days, Edwards will hopefully soon be literally 'at large', and the cane seems to be extending from stage left towards Hosking and Hawkesby. An end to TVNZ's problems? So what's the solution? Much like the English/Brash dilemma, are we left with the inevitable conclusion that Simon Dallow and Mike King are to be the answer to our broadcasting woes? Oh dear.
Caught in the Act | Sep 09, 2003 15:37
I'm often concerned if, God forbid, I ever make it into a position of public notoriety, what random details from my past will come out to haunt me. In a vain attempt to stave this off, I try to wear many of my embarrassments on my sleeve. Click the "About Damian Christie" link to the right of this column if you haven't already, they're largely listed there.
Yes, I worked for Act. Not for political reasons mind; I was never a member of its youth wing, "Prebble's Rebels". The fact that such a phrase can be uttered without irony, let alone screen printed and worn across one's chest still leaves me dumbfounded. No, I was much more interested in the game of politics, the sort of drug that Hunter S Thompson experienced in on the campaign trail with Nixon, more exhilarating than almost any synthetic alternative. It's the thing that has you setting your alarm to go off at 6am just so you can hear Morning Report in its entirety, drifting in and out of sleep, fitfully dreaming of Tuku Morgan in his underwear.
Correct, I did some time as a waterbed salesman. Not too many people can answer a phone "Waterbrothers Waterbeds and Supertan Sunbeds" as well as this blogger. There aren't many with my special touch when it comes to rouching leatherette across a king-size frame, or setting a car stereo into the headboard for that extra touch of class.
That's right, I was 'Doctor Love', Pete Sinclair's sidekick on Lovesongs to Midnight. "Come on in, the music's fine..." - 'nuff said.
But none of these earlier incarnations of Yours Truly are likely to prevent my inevitable appointment to the bench of the Supreme Court of the People's Democratic Republic of Aotearoa. No, it's the more intimate moments you have to watch out for, as Arnold Schwarzenegger is finding out in the race for the Governorship of California.
What's telling is that Schwarzenegger has been a very public figure for more than two decades now. Blockbuster movies, restaurant chains, bad catch phrases, a Kennedy clan wife, he's up there with Pepsi in the recognition stakes. If there were some huge secret about Arnie, you think we'd know it by now. But no, not until things get political
Ironically, it's what the Republican candidate has said publicly that has tripped him up, rather than anything hidden. In an interview given in 1977 for men's magazine, Oui, Schwarzenegger made several candid admissions that don't sit well with his elephantine brothers. He was speaking at a time when the body-building doco Pumping Iron was doing the rounds, when he was 29, the same age I am now. Arnie talked openly of smoking cannabis, group sex, penis size, you know, the standard interview subjects…
Reading the 1977 interview, I find it hard to be particularly shocked. It was the 70s, he was a young man in peak physical condition, highly sought after by men and women alike. He wouldn't have been the first person to have a cavalier attitude towards sex, or to have 'experimented' with marijuana. If he were a Democrat candidate, perhaps it wouldn't matter so much. Clinton got two terms as President – a prospect that is looking increasingly unlikely for George Dubbya, who seems destined to suffer the same fate as his father, and for largely the same reasons.
Thanks to the Internet, our words increasingly have the ability to come back and bite us on the bum. Words and their echoes, scanned, cached and mirrored, sit on any number of servers around the world like sleeper terrorist cells, poised to strike when you're least prepared. It's a timely reminder to think before you go posting to all and sundry, for now and forever. I'm just glad I never admitted to sharing that spliff on Parliament steps…
Snow job | Sep 03, 2003 18:59
Sometimes you've just got to wonder.
There's been an avalanche on the Turoa skifield of Mt Ruapehu. The avalanche was set off intentionally by the Turoa Skifield company, to test the stability of the upper slopes.
According to Chris Thrupp, the company's area manager, the avalanche then "built momentum." He sounded surprised. Now I'm no avalanche expert, and I'm certainly not as qualified in such matters as the skifield company, but isn't this how avalanches generally work?
I could be wrong, but all those times my grandmother dragged me along to see such films as The Adventures of the Wilderness Family, (cool poster, thanks Matt) for whom avalanches were a daily threat, not once did I see an avalanche start, then kind of give up halfway. The Little Avalanche that Couldn't, if you will. Anyway, let's be grateful that no-one was hurt, shall we?
One avalanche that seems remarkably controlled by comparison is the Opposition's release in Parliament of papers allegedly withheld from the "full disclosure" ordered by the PM. First there were four documents, now Bill English has stated in Parliament that in fact there were 184 documents, albeit not all from the PM's department. Helen Clark has responded that she only learnt of this yesterday, but it looks increasingly as though this avalanche is not going to slow to a trickle, nor be without its casualties.
I heard Jeanette Fitzsimons being interviewed by Linda Clark this morning, and have to admit I was impressed, particularly when compared with the way the Prime Minister has been handling herself of late. Ok, the Herald obviously had something to prove by turning it into a front page pull quote yesterday, but Helen's "I sometimes wonder whether I'm a victim of my own success as a popular and competent Prime Minister" line just isn't something one should say out loud. Similarly, referring to oneself as "the Prime Minister" is all well and good in the privacy of one's own bedroom, but please…
I'm still trying to determine whether leaving Minister Boo-boo in charge of the Environment portfolio, and hence the GE issue, shows reckless stupidity or supreme genius. When Helen Clark says she doesn't remember something, our eyes narrow with doubt. When Marian Hobbs says she doesn't remember something, it's just another day in the Beehive. The revelation on Friday that she never read Nicky Hager's book – despite criticising it – or other papers on the GM corn issue because she didn't want to suffer "contamination of memory" to me beggars belief. Here we have a cabinet minister admitting she can't assimilate information from both sides of an issue without it causing a cerebral short circuit. And we're paying this person!? I'd like to see Theresa Gattung last a week at Telecom after making such an admission.
Truly, some people are even beyond the help of Brian Edwards, including, it would seem, Edwards himself. I always feels dirty watching someone in a public position use it to push a personal agenda, after watching Edwards try (and fail) to take on Act's Rodney Hide, I needed a bath. Talk about a thinly veiled agenda. As Hide puts it: "Dr Edwards also trained me on how to handle a crotchety old interviewer coaxing you to defame their wife on their state-funded show so that they can sue you."
Well, Edwards seems to have got what's coming to him. Rather than he or his wife being able to launch a defamation suit, it's Rodney Hide who has complained to the Broadcasting Standards Authority about the programme. Who's smug now? According to Hide, Edwards failed to be either balanced or impartial. Well duh. If, like me, you missed the original interview, the kind folk at Act have been doing their bit to increase Edwards' dire ratings (again, failing) by making the segment available on their website. It's not quite Hill -v- Pilger, but it's worth a look.
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